Heartfelt wishes
by Jared
Summary: It's christmas eve and a time for gathering for all...except Nokoru. What exactly is it like to be Imonoyama Nokoru?


Heartfelt wishes  
Jared  
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Disclaimer:  
The characters below belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for this fanfic.  
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"It's so quiet…" Nokoru mused, his blue eyes gazing intensely into the dark night. Suoh heard the longing in his friend's voice and he took a deep breath.   
[ I'm sorry Kaichou…I wish I could do more for you. ]  
  
Aloud he said, "Yes, it's a beautiful night, perfect for star-gazing, is it not?" Gently, he tried to divert his dear friend's attention away from the emptiness that was beginning to eat him from within. [ It's not fair…Why can't Kaichou just have a normal family? That's all he ever wanted, and yet…that's something that I can never give him…no matter how hard I try, however hard I want to give it to him. ]  
  
Nokoru's eyes reflected the sadness he was feeling inside. Far from feeling perfectly at ease with the desolate silence, Nokoru felt painfully aware of what he lacked- a family who showered him to love and attention, a family that was warm and not the formal, hostile one he was used to. Perhaps it was because of the huge burden that each of the members of the prominent Imonoyama family had to bear in exchange for the wealth and prestige that they possessed that they had little time for their own family. In fact, Nokoru was already the closest to his mother, the mysterious Rijichou of CLAMP school, and even then their conversations were merely consultation sessions of which each sought advice from the other.   
  
[ Why can't I be content with what I have? ] Nokoru chided himself gently. [ It's not that bad… ] he said, trying to persuade himself that he too was happy, and that he was not deprived of anything. [ We've been through this many times. ] his mind began, urging his disbelieving heart to accept that statement that he so wanted to believe. [ You possess every single thing that anyone would want. You are blessed with many gifts…Don't be greedy. It's more than enough. ] Nokoru told himself firmly. [ But you are not an ordinary person. You are Imonoyama Nokoru. ] his heart retorted. [ Fame, appearance, wealth…they all mean nothing to you. Is that what you really want? ]  
  
Suoh watched his friend anxiously. He was aware of the battle of emotions that raged within his friend. Yet while he desperately wished to help, a part of him worried. He had arranged to meet Nagisa, and he had to leave soon. [ But I can't just leave Kaichou like that…What am I going to do? ] he thought glumly.  
  
To his surprise, he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw the blue eyes boring deep into his own brown ones. "Go." Nokoru uttered the single word. "Nagisa-chan will be wondering what happened to you."  
  
"Kaichou…" Suoh felt torn apart. [ Why must it be so difficult? ] he thought in frustration.  
"I'll be fine. Go on, don't keep Nagisa waiting." Nokoru said. "I'll just stay a little while longer then I'll leave. It's ok. Go on," he assured Suoh.   
  
Suoh's shoulders sunk in defeat. "I'll see you tomorrow." He said in acknowledgement. Nokoru gave a cheery smile and waved his friend away. Then, he turned away, waiting for his friend to leave.  
  
Suoh felt as though he had failed Nokoru. His friend was clearly distraught, yet he could not share his burden. In fact, he had indirectly forced Nokoru to put on a façade for him, acting as though he was fine when he really wanted someone to be by his side then. Yet Nokoru had made it clear. He wanted Suoh to be happy- even if he was depressed he wanted others to be happy. [ How like Kaichou to put the interests of other's before his own. ] Suoh thought in respect. Sighing, he turned and left.  
  
Nokoru felt tears prickling at his eyes. No one could understand how he felt. All he wanted was to feel like there was someone there for him. To assure him, and be there for him. Yet in times of need, there was no one he could turn to. He used to have Suoh, but now that Suoh and Nagisa were an item, he could not find it in his heart to use his bond with Suoh to force Suoh to neglect Nagisa because of him. Nagisa's happiness translated itself into Suoh's joys, her sadness Suoh's sorrow. Nokoru cared too much for Suoh to want to make him unhappy. He realised how Suoh was often torn apart by his duty to the both of them, and tried to make things easier for Suoh. However, that was often done at his own expense, though outwardly he put on a brave front, and never complained.  
  
To look around the campus and see how everyone had someone to accompany them on that day made Nokoru feel sad. It was Christmas Eve, and though it was supposed to be a time of gathering, he was all alone. His parents were at his father's company function, while he had been left to "enjoy himself with his friends." Just one thing that had been overlooked- despite Nokoru's popularity at school, he had no friends apart from Suoh and Akira as a result of his fear of implicating them in his life fraught with danger. However, Akira had to spend time with his mothers on Christmas Eve.   
  
Hidden away in the corner, Nokoru felt awfully alone. He knew he had to be strong, he tried to believe he had everything. He wanted desperately to believe in his lies, but no matter how hard he tried, his stubborn heart could not be won over by the logic that his brain presented.   
  
Looking up at the star-studded sky above, Nokoru let the tears fall freely from his eyes. He closed his eyes, wishing with his might that some day, through some miraculous means, he would find himself not alone, but surrounded by friends, truly able to have everything that he wanted.   
  
Tears fell freely down his face. He knew that he was alone, just like always. The way he would remain, despite his wishes for a different life.   
  
He was, and is Imonoyama Nokoru. 


End file.
